Saturday, March 28, 2009

My buried goals...

As a female member of the LDS church, the goal of becoming a wife and a mother has been taught to me since I was old enough to talk. However, in the last couple of years, I have learned to bury those goals. For me, it's just too hard to have goals that I can't achieve on my own. No amount of flirting, make-up, stylish clothes, football knowledge, or education is going to help me achieve those goals any faster. I have no control of those goals. And if you know me pretty well, you understand that not having that control drives me nuts. And decreases my happiness level. For me, it just was not healthy to even keep the dream alive. So, I put those goals on a nice, high shelf in the far corners of my mind long ago and went on a mission, finished my undergraduate degree, and began working on my Master's. Sure, I still get dressed up, put on make-up, flirt a little, and go on dates, but I try my darnest to keep it at that. No excess persuing of boys to try to make it work. No real hopes and dreams to be a wife and mother. It's just too painful when I can't do anything about it.

However, this past weekend brought those goals off the shelf, flying into the front most part of my conscieness, begging for me to acknowledge that they exist. Some of my dearest friends have been married for almost 4 years, have 2 beautiful children with one on the way, and are making incredible plans for their future. I got to go with them to go house hunting, a new idea that they're playing with, and it hit me so hard. As much as I love school, as much as I love being single and the independence I have, as much as I want to see the world and make a difference in it, all I really want is to be a wife and mother someday. It's a hard and painful thing for me to admit- as I have given up making those dreams come true, put it all in the Lord's hands, and am trusting in his timetable. However, as much as I try to trick myself into not caring about those dreams, they still do exist, and it is still hard to be single.


Holly said...

Ha ha, football knowledge, we all know where that leads . . . I think it's time you start reading up on women's golf.

Brittanie said...

Oh honey, I still pray for you every day. I know how I would be were I the one of the three of us. I would be depressed (instead of just having people worrying that I am).

It WILL happen. I promise you that. I can't tell you how much I wish I could tell you when. I remember wishing I could sneak a peak and Heavenly Father's "dayplanner."

He's going to be pretty special, I just know it.


Katelyn said...

the longer you wait, the hotter your husband gets!!!!